I ate my way through Amsterdam so you don’t have to (but you should anyway)

Let’s talk fries first

Look, you haven’t been to Amsterdam unless you’ve stood on a street corner with a paper cone full of fries dripping in something suspiciously called “special sauce.” I still don’t know what was in it. Mayo? Ketchup? Existential dread? All I know is I’d eat it again in a heartbeat.

The fry hierarchy

• The crunchy ones at the bottom of the cone: elite.
• The soft, saucy middle fries: comforting, like a fried hug.
• The top ones? A preview of the mess you’re about to become.

The pancake that judged me

In a charming little cafe that clearly had no business making pancakes that size, I met what can only be described as a flapjack the diameter of a bike wheel. It came with powdered sugar, butter, and the smug confidence of knowing I couldn’t finish it. Spoiler alert: I finished it. Then I napped under a canal bridge like a well-fed troll.

Stroopwafels are not snacks, they’re life events

Thin. Chewy. Sweet. Sticky. Like the best kind of relationship, except it comes from a street stand and costs €2. I bit into one while standing next to a group of tourists doing the same and we made eye contact like, “Yep. This is it. We peaked.”

Pro tip

Get one fresh and warm. If you get a pre-packaged one from the airport, it’s like comparing a kiss to a Zoom wave.

The cheese experience

Yes, there are cheese shops. Yes, they let you taste everything. No, they don’t judge you for coming back twice in one day “just to confirm your favorite.”

I tried goat cheese that changed my worldview. A wheel of aged Gouda almost made me cry. I now understand why the Dutch are chill: they have cheese like this at arm’s reach.

The Indonesian food curveball

What I didn’t expect? A full-blown Indonesian food feast in Amsterdam. Thanks, colonialism?

The rijsttafel (aka rice table)

It’s like a tapas situation but spicier and with more sauces. You get 15+ tiny dishes and try to pace yourself, which you fail at, because one of the dishes tastes like peanut butter made a deal with the spice gods and you can’t stop.

Coffee shops vs. cafés

This is your friendly reminder that in Amsterdam:

• Coffee shop = Weed zone with maybe a latte
• Café = Actual coffee and possibly apple pie that could win awards

Learn the difference before accidentally getting high before breakfast. Or don't. I'm not your mom.

Final notes from my food coma

Amsterdam surprised me. Yes, the canals are cute. Yes, the bikes will run you down without mercy. But the food? It’s a journey. A delicious, cheese-filled, sauce-dripping journey that I fully endorse.

Just pack stretchy pants. You’ve been warned.

Places worth remembering (aka my top 3)

1. Vleminckx Sausmeesters – for those fries that changed my life
2. De Vier Pilaren – pancake central, and no one judges your syrup usage
3. Tempo Doeloe – for a rijsttafel that might spiritually awaken you

One last thing...

If you eat all this and still have room for dessert, go walk it off first. Then come back and repeat day one. That’s the Insider way.